Motivate Me Mondays: Overcoming betrayal

“For me, I always wonder what’s worse: an emotional betrayal or a physical betrayal? That’s a really tough call.” – Hilarie Burton
Often times in life we always hear people say to be careful how you treat other people because you never know what other people have been through. Adriane Lanier decided to share her story of how she overcome certain betrayals in life that no one should ever have to deal with. Her story shows her strength as a woman and just as a human being because sometimes it is not easy to overcome the things we endure in life, here is her story:

Who is Adriane Lanier?
I am JMU double Duke (BBA/MBA) currently living in the DMV working as a Cybersecurity professional. I was born in California and raised in Virginia Beach by two amazing Georgia bred people.
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Do you mind sharing about the 3 different incidents you have dealt with throughout the course of your life?
My body has been disrespected in every since of the word. I have been sexually assaulted, molested, and raped by people I once held near and dear to me and strangers. The worst of them all [physically] was when I was setup by a coworker and attacked by 6 grown men. I had unspeakable things done to me and was not sure I would even make it out of there.
How did you handle dealing with all of this?
A lot of days I was literally just going through the motions of life. I felt numb for quite some time. I have had depression, severe ptsd and at one point I was even suicidal (it clearly didn’t work lol). For years I smiled and joked my way through the pain. I kept busy so I wouldn’t have to be alone in my misery and think about it until it became routine and my smiles became genuine again.
Is it possible to take back your life after something like this happens ?
It is definitely possible to regain control over your life, but a strong support system is imperative. Had it not been for my friends and sorors I would have never gotten help. It took YEARS of therapy. I have occasional flashbacks and nightmares, but its nowhere near what it used to be. There are still certain things that can trigger those feelings of fear and discomfort and I don’t think they will ever go away so I do my best to avoid them. My support system was there for me every step of the way to recovery. Discovering I had severe PTSD, facing reality of how damaged I really am, lifting me up when boys would leave me because they couldn’t handle my baggage, praying for me harder than I could pray for myself, uplifting me any time they felt like I was down, keeping me honest and always showering me with positive vibes and unconditional love.
How were you able to gain the courage to now be able to share your story with other people?
My support system has encouraged me to do it for years. I didn’t think my story would impact others, but the more I began to open up to other people I knew, the more I realized that my story can positively impact someone else who is fighting battles nobody knows about. I went from feeling embarrassed about it all to realizing that it was not my fault and I did nothing to deserve any of what happened to me. I got the courage to tell my story because I want women to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel more than I cared to bury this painful chapter of my past.
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At this very moment, if you had to choose one person to recognize that has helped you get past what you’ve been through who would that person be ?
Oh man…I can’t just choose one person because there were phases to the recovery and many obstacles. I have one best friend who was there from the very beginning up until my self declared freedom, Crystal Cole. I have friends I have grown apart from, but will always respect how they were there for me when things were at their worst (Aaron Campbell, Charlie Celesia, Kitara McMoore). However, I have met so many amazing people along the way that have helped me so much in so many ways that I could never tell my story and not think of them. When I say I have been blessed with a strong support system, I honestly don’t know what I did in life to deserve such amazing friends but I thank God for them daily (my JMU family – Its like 10 extra people lol).
What keeps you motivated ?
My desire to succeed and leave the world a better place than I found it.
How would you define success?
Success is whatever you want it to be. As long as it involves feelings of genuine happiness in most, if not all, aspects of life, I would call it success.
What is one thing you have accomplished in life so far that you are most proud of?
Learning the power of forgiveness and conflict resolution. For those who know my history and know how rowdy and unforgiving I once was, this was HUGE for me. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. When you carry hate or resentment for long periods of time it can affect your personal and professional growth. Learning to forgive makes handling conflict (personal and professional) much easier.
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
In the next 5 years I plan to be a business owner leaving my mark on the Cybersecurity industry while spreading STEM awareness and love to the next generation so they can, too, leave the world a better place than they found it.
What are some things that you have achieved that make you proud ?
I am proud of my career accomplishments, but I am more proud of my personal growth. I never imagined I would have so many amazing opportunities and be where I am in my career at age 29. I also never thought I would be where I am today. I have found myself, I have found my inner peace (and plan to hold onto it with every ounce of my being), I have found self awareness, my smiles are genuine and my happiness is sincere. THAT is what I am most proud of.
What advice can you provide to those who have been raped, molested, and/or attacked?  
It is okay for you to tell your story and work towards reaching inner peace and stability, whatever that means to you. While you cannot undo what has happened, you CAN take back your life.There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just know you are not alone and there are plenty of people who love you and want you to know that your life is worth living.
Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women

Why do we as women allow a man to string us along?

Often times, as woman, we forget that a man who wants to truly be with you, will simply BE WITH YOU! A man won’t allow anything to stop him or hold him back once he has it set in his mind that he wants to be with only you. You won’t have to question whether or not he wants to be with you, you won’t have to ask him, you won’t have to argue about it, stress about it, and you won’t have to convince him that he should be with you and only you.

It is so easy to forget those things once we get caught up in how much we like someone. We start seeing ourselves with them and imagining how great a relationship would be with them, not even realizing that the person is showing signs of not wanting the same thing we want. I’ve been in situations with guys, who I now know, did not deserve my time, energy, and attention; I ended up staying in situations longer then I should have because I kept allowing them to string me along. I allowed guys to give me a little ounce of hope, when in all honesty, they were really only saying things to keep me around just a little longer. They did not have it in them to tell me that their intentions were not to be with me, even though they had made me feel as though things would develop into something more. 

Often times men will meet a woman and they will do all of these wonderful things to make that woman like him. A man will get so caught up in doing this, that they themselves don’t realize the damage that they will cause once that woman realizes that he does not have the same intentions as she does. Often times a man will not come right out and be honest about the fact that they have been stringing a woman along; often times they aren’t going to sit you down and tell you that they don’t want the same things you do. This is the reason why we as women have to pay attention to the signs; we have to stop staying in situations longer then we are supposed to and make sure we make ourselves fully aware of a guys intentions with us. 

I encourage every woman to be careful about who you give your time to. Allowing a man to string you along is time wasted and that is time you won’t ever get back. 

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women continue to do the same things and expect different results?

A lot of the decisions you make in life shape the way things will turn out for you. No one can ever force you to do anything and sometimes some people have to make the same mistake multiple times before they fully grasp the fact that it is time for a change. As a woman, we know when we have reached our breaking point and we know when we are fed up but no changes will be made until we reach that point on our own.

In 2013 I accomplished a lot in my life; I became a member of the best sorority in the world, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc., I graduated from college, I received a job offer a week after graduation, and I moved and started taking care of myself. While I had all of these great things going for me there was still something that I kept allowing to cause me a lot of tears, anxiety, and sleepless nights and that was a man; a situation with a man that wasn’t even putting forth effort to be in a relationship with me. Time after time I would accept apologies for things I should have never put up with and stuck around even though I knew this was not the man for me. This was a man who supported me when it was convenient, missed out on a lot of my accomplishments, and blamed me for things that were never really my fault. I even went so far as to try to be just his “friend” at one point, even though I knew that was not the answer to a situation I no longer had control of.

I will never forget the day I sat in my closet crying and praying because I was so fed up with the situation and on that day, in January 2014, I decided to stand strong and cut off all ties with someone who did not appreciate me; I decided to stop doing the same things because all I was getting was the same results, which ended up causing me to get hurt. I also decided to take my mothers advice and read a book that she mailed to me and to this day I still tell people that this book changed my life.

January 2014 LaLa Anthony released her book, The Love Play Book, which talks about how she found love and success on her own. I started reading that book February 2014 and I promised myself that I would give any of the suggestions offered in this book a fair and honest shot. One thing that LaLa offers in her book is a 60 day challenge where you spend the next 60 days not looking, thinking, or even trying to get a man. She goes further into detail about it and how it helped her, of course, but for me, coming across not only the book but the challenge its self was the start of me taking back the control I lost over my feelings and emotions.

The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness

I would encourage every woman who has reached a point where they feel as though something has to change, a point where they are ready to take back control over things that should have never been controlled by another person, to read LaLas book! I truly hope that reading this helps someone else and if you just so happen to pick up that book, I hope it brings you to a better place in life like it did for me!

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women assume that all men are the same? How many times have you heard a woman say “all men are the same”?

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard women say “all men are the same”, which is ultimately us blaming all men for the actions of one man. It is my personal belief that women usually deal with heartbreak a lot better then men do BUT one of our flaws is putting all men into this negative category because we’ve been hurt. I too use to be guilty of this; after I experienced heartbreak for the first time I allowed it to completely change the way I view men. In my eyes all men were the same and no matter how good they seemed to be, I knew at some point they would prove to be just like the last guy; at that point I wasn’t even giving them a chance to show me better.

When you experience heartbreak for the first time it causes you to want to put your guard up and figure out ways to prevent it from ever happening again. One way we as women go about doing this is going into a situation with the next guy expecting him to either do what the last guy did or do something even worse. This is something we have to learn to STOP DOING! It is not easy but it is important and necessary to do because the more you treat every guy as if he is the same, is the more time it will take for the right man to come into your life. The first step we must take is to realize and accept the fact that heartbreak is something that is unavoidable.

Another thing that we have to do, to move to a place where we stop categorizing men as all being the same, is to take a step back and realize the type of men we go for and the type of men we allow to step into our lives. Pay attention to the type of men you attract and don’t attract, the type of men you give chances too and the ones you don’t! I would meet a guy and the same things I would allow, ignore, and overlook with the last guy, I would turn around and do the same thing with the next guy because I was either getting too caught up in how much I really liked him or thinking I could get him to eventually become serious. When I started to realize this, it started to click that its not that all guys are the same, its the fact that I keep giving the time of day to guys who weren’t on the same page as me as far as where we wanted things to go between us.

At the end of the day, we have to make a conscious effort to not categorize men as being the same. Ladies, in order to get the results you want you have to accept that heartbreak is something we can’t prevent, stop assuming all men are the same, and  focus more on paying attention to the type of men you allow to step into your life.

Let Tay Tell It

 

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women allow the words from others to affect our self esteem? Why do we as women start to question our worth and our abilities because of what someone else said about us? When will we start to realize that the things other people say do not define who we are as a woman?

This is something we as women go through too often. It is important, as a woman, to really take the time to know who you truly are. This requires some alone time and some growing pains; so it is necessary to embrace this. If you know who you are as a woman, then the words from another person should not have you doubting yourself.

Growing up, I use to get talked about all the time and I could not understand why. I was allowing the words from other people to alter my self esteem and for awhile I was very insecure. As time progressed I started becoming a woman and learning more about myself and realized that I am not what people say I am. I reached a point in life where I learned what changes I needed to make as a woman so that I could continue to be the best version of me. I worked on gaining confidence, building my self esteem, and letting go of all the insecurities that I allowed to hold me back. I have gone through a lot of personal growth and because of this there is nothing anyone can say that can strip me of the confidence I have.

Women, let me tell you, that making changes is not an easy task to achieve. It will require you to not only build your confidence but to accept the change that is needed. Do not depend on others to build that confidence you need, it is on you and do not change for others, change for yourself! Make changes because you want to continue on the path of becoming a better you. The more you change because of other people and what they say about you, the further you are from being happy. It is also important that we allow GOD to help us through these changes because they will require a certain level of patience. Once you make the right changes, it will give you what you need to stand strong in who you are as a person no matter what other people say about you.

The goal is to be better then you were yesterday right? At the end of the day we want to be happy with the type of woman we are right?

 

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women try to change a man that is simply not ready to change?

It is in a womans nature to want to change a man because often times we see his potential way before he even sees it. But when are we going to start realizing that the time we spend trying to change him is time wasted?  There are plenty of men in this world who have reached their potential and made changes to become better men, so why not give these men a chance? The answer is simple, love. Love makes you do things you would never expect yourself to do including waiting around for a man to change and see his potential. It is okay to be the woman who helps her man be a better man but that man has to be at a place in life where he’s ready to reach his potential or he’s already reached it and is continuing to do what is necessary to be the best man he can possibly be.

In life you have to be able to know what type of man you are dealing with; a man who has changed and reached his potential, a man who is trying to change and taking steps to reach his potential, a man who can’t see his potential yet so he has no plans to change right away, and a man who will never really fully change. If you think about how hard it is to change things about yourself then it will start to become a little easier to accept the fact that you cannot force someone else to change. Things that do not become easier is a relationship coming to an end after you have gave a man all of your love, time, and support because you whole heartedly believed you could change him.

You cannot change a man that does not want to change and a man will not tap into his potential until he’s ready to do so. It took me awhile to learn this and unfortunately all of my past relationships involved me focusing more on the potential instead of the actual relationship. The potential clouds your judgement and after while you start to ignore the things about yourself that need to change because that mans potential becomes your main focus. This is why it is important to take everything you do to GOD in prayer; we must ask GOD to provide us with clarity. The heart wants what the heart wants but sometimes that’s not what is best for us. Sometimes you have to walk away and if that does not motivate the man you love to change and become a better man for you then take it for what it is. Deal with the hurt by allowing GOD to heal your heart, remember the things the relationship taught you, and work on being a better woman.

At the end of the day, the goal is to be able to grow together and make each other better but how can you do that if you’re focused on trying to change a man?

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women take the “but he is a good guy” stance when trying to convince ourselves to not give up on a relationship we should have walked away from months ago?

Relationships are hard work but, often times we already know when a relationship is no longer good for us but, lets face it, who wants to be alone? Being alone is something a lot of us fear. But, in all honesty, it is better to be alone than to stay in a relationship that no longer contributes to your happiness, prevents you from growing and where the bad out weighs the good.

In 2015, while dealing with being laid off from my job, I was also dealing with heartbreak from my relationship not working out. I was truly devastated to have to let go of something and someone I was not prepared to let go of. GOD presented me with a lot of signs and I ignored them all but, eventually, he wore me out. After awhile I became so tired of getting hurt and forcing myself to ignore the signs because he was a “good guy” that I stopped fighting what he had been trying to tell me. The relationship ended and I realized that just because he was a good guy doesn’t mean I was supposed to stay in that relationship for as long as I did. I am truly grateful for the relationship because I learned a lot; I know what I will and will not accept from a man, I know how I want to be treated, I know what I need to change and work on to be a better woman for the next man, and I know how important it is to make sure GOD is fully present in the relationship. I do not regret the relationship at all because the woman I am today and the growth I have experienced would not have happened had I stayed, but it took A LOT of courage to walk away.

We never know what GOD’S plan is when it comes to relationships. GOD could be preparing you both to be together later but to experience some growth separately first, or he could be pulling you away in order to have you experience the growth that is  for the relationship with the next man. The one thing you have to do is listen when he’s trying to tell you something. Sometimes that means walking away from something or someone that is currently not providing you with the things you need to grow. GOD has a funny way of trying to reel you back in once he sees that you are pulling away from Him. He will allow things to happen so that you get to a point where you have no choice but to turn to him. We have to stop allowing the “but he’s a good guy” thing to keep us in relationships that are only meant to last for a certain length of time. The more we ignore the signs the worse the signs will get. We can avoid so many tears and so much unecessary pain if we simply listen and pay attention to what GOD is trying to tell us. The more you hold on the longer it will take for the right guy to show up.

GOD wants to see you happy and in love with the man he has for you but you must trust him, be diligent and be patient. You must be willing to completely let go of the expectations you have and welcome in what GOD has in store for your life. You must understand that some relationships are not meant to last forever. Be sure to reflect on what it has taught you and what mistakes you can learn from it. GOD has a way of protecting you from what was not sent by him. So when GOD tells you it is time to move on, do so willingly.

Ultimately, the goal is to be ready to receive love from a good man sent by GOD, right?

Let Tay Tell It