Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women try to put a title on something before even talking to the guy we are dealing with?

Ladies, whether we do it on purpose or not, we often end up in situations that we know we could have avoided if we handled things differently. I truly believe that some of the problems we encounter and the hurt with deal with, when it comes to men, could be avoided if we asked a guy what his intentions are in the beginning. You have to go into these situations with guys knowing what you want and expect and making those things very clear. Either a guy is going to respect it and be on the same page with you or he is not and one thing is for sure, YOU CANNOT PUT A TITLE ON A SITUATION IF YOU ARE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE WITH THE GUY YOU ARE DEALING WITH.

Sometimes we get involved with guys and determine how things will be before realizing that the guy isn’t even on the same page as us. We start to care more, do more, and expect more from a man that does not care. Don’t get me wrong, guys lead us on a lot of the time but SOMETIMES we as women also play a major part in things falling apart as well. Sleeping with a guy and “talking” to a guy DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN YOU TWO ARE EXCLUSIVE; how can you automatically assume something when no conversation has happened about where things are and where they are going. You also have to know the type of woman  you are when it comes to men because it will help you to avoid a lot of the hurt you may deal with.

I understand wanting more from these men then they are ready to give us but recognize the part you may be playing in the situation that has done you more bad then good. Once you realize it remember it and carry that with you into the next situation so you won’t make the same mistake again. Now, this is not me saying that you will deal with this when it comes to all men, this is me saying that the way things went in the last situation you dealt with should tell you that something needs to change moving forward. If you have certain expectations you are no longer willing to budge on, make that clear. If sex before a relationship is something you cannot handle, make that clear. If you are at a point where playing around and dating different men isn’t you’re thing any more, make it clear.

As a woman you have every right to make it clear what you want and expect NO MATTER WHAT but what you SHOULD NOT do is put a title on situations before even talking to the guy you’re dealing with; you are guaranteed to get your feelings hurt. If you can avoid getting your feelings hurt or ending up in situations that aren’t good for you, DO IT.

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women judge other people for the things they deal with as if we’ve never been in similar situations?

As a woman who has been in plenty of situations that I never expected to be in I always tread lightly when it comes to speaking on the things I see other people deal with. I have learned that I cannot always judge another person for what they are dealing with when I do not know their story and when I have been in the same or similar situation myself. However, seeing things like people sleeping with married men and/or trying to mess up another persons relationship on purpose is something I definitely judge BUT that is another topic for another day. Today I am simply referring to situations such as the ones we find ourselves in when it comes to our relationships.

I cannot tell you how many times I have seen other women talk down about someone who continues to stay with a person that has done them wrong as if they haven’t been that woman before. People hurt people in so many ways by cheating, lying, being deceitful, mentally and physically abusive, being conniving, putting other people and things before her and the relationship, not taking her feelings into consideration, constantly running away from problems, etc. You cannot always prevent someone from hurting you so when you also have to deal with people judging you for how you deal with it makes things even worse.

I remember seeing Tammy Rivera Malphrus, who is the wife of rapper Wakaflocka, publicly dealing with her husbands infidelity in their marriage. Tammy made a decision to separate from her husband for awhile because simply put, she could not deal with the disrespect any longer; she was fed up. She did not divorce him or bash him she simply did what was best for her at the time but this did not change the fact that she was still married nor did she fully give up on her marriage. Leaving her husband had women showing her so much love and support trying to uplift and encourage her but the minute Tammy decided to work on her marriage and take her husband back things changed. I saw so many comments from women judging her, tearing her down, criticizing her, and ridiculing her as if she was wrong for working things out with her husband. Tammy married this man and vowed to stick with him through the good and the bad and a lot of women have been where she is but were quick to judge her for the decisions she made.

Ladies if you are a woman who is now in a better place in life, try not to forget where you came from and what you had to deal with and put up with to get to where you are today. Do not look down on other people because they have not reached that point in their life yet because you too use to be exactly where they are; we have to be a little more understanding. This not only applies to relationships, but also friendships, financial status, job status; you too may have struggled in these areas just like the next person. We also have to remember to not judge people when we have our own personal problems and flaws that we need to work on so the more you focus on yourself and try to uplift others the better off you will be.

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women choose to be defensive and mean before choosing to tell someone how we really feel?

As a woman who is learning more and more about herself everyday, I can honestly say that I have had my fair share of situations that have caused me to put up a wall when it comes to letting people in. I have become use to being mean and defensive because I learned at a young age that nobody will protect me the way I can protect myself and really telling someone how I feel was not always an option. Unfortunately this stuck with me and now, at the age of 26, I am working on changing these things about myself but IT IS NOT EASY. The most important thing I have learned while working on this is that you can loose out on having some good people in your life if you choose to be defensive and mean instead of choosing to be honest about how you really feel.

I honestly believe that sometimes as women we are so passionate about protecting ourselves and our feelings that we forget how that can effect the people around us who honestly want to love us and be friends with us and care for us. Being passionate about this usually comes from being so hurt and damaged by people we expected to love and protect us. We have to stop letting people who hurt us make us mean and situations that almost broke us make us defensive because that hurt doesn’t last always and almost doesn’t count; you’re still here because what could have broke you didn’t ! My last relationship is when things really got worse for me as far as how I handled dealing with telling someone how I felt. I was in a relationship where I had to be defensive and I had to be mean because it was the only way to defend myself because trying to communicate how I really felt wasn’t taken seriously. It was not until the end of that relationship that I promised myself to change how I handled things because I knew that I could not continue doing things the same way.

Ladies you will be surprised how relieved you will feel when you properly communicate how you are feeling instead of choosing to be defensive and mean all the time. My friends help me to stick to this path that I am on with changing myself and now my current relationship is helping me stay on track as well because for the first time in a long time I am with someone who does not make me feel like I have to be defensive and mean. AGAIN, this is not an easy thing because I catch myself being defensive and mean when there is no need for that but I am with someone who understands the change I am trying to make so he is super patient with me. We have to make a conscious effort to change these thing about ourselves whether it is in our friendships or our relationships because loosing someone all because you chose to be defensive and mean instead of speaking up about how you feel the proper way is not a good feeling; trust me I have been there, done that, and had it happen to me. Do not be like me, be BETTER then me, and learn from me.

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women tell people, who are not our true friends, our personal business?

As a woman, I cannot stress to you enough the importance of having real genuine girlfriends. Friends are important in life because they keep you grounded, lift you up, encourage you, motivate you, support you, and  most importantly keep your personal, private business to themselves. However, sometimes you come across people who seem nice and genuine and you may feel as though they are your friend but in reality they really aren’t. Sometimes these people aren’t able to be a good friend to you because no one was ever a good friend to them which results in them treating you wrong and betraying your trust.

While it is wrong for people to betray us, we also have to stop blindly trusting a person before we even truly get to know them. We also have to pay attention to the signs because sometimes a person will show you the type of friend they will be to you before you even begin trying to develop a solid friendship. There are people in this world who are use to being in toxic friendships, so hurting someone that is supposed to be their friend is normal to them. I have encountered many different situations that involved me finding out really soon and sometimes too late that someone isn’t and was never capable of being my true friend.

I learned early on to not share my personal business with someone who is not my friend because it only took me one time of being betrayed to really learn my lesson. However, recently I dealt with a situation where I was told someones personal business because they felt as though it was okay to blindly trust me before trusting someone who they were actually friends with. I met this young lady through a good friend of mine and I try to trust my friends judgement about their other friends they choose to bring around. I paid attention to how she handled things and a few months or so after meeting her I realized that she was not capable of being a good friend to me because of how she treated the girl who is our mutual friend. After a disagreement occurred, she felt the need to tell me her personal business instead of calling her friend and working through the things that were causing their friendship to now spiral out of control. Instead of taking ownership for what she did wrong, she chose to tell me things in hopes of me “taking her side”, not realizing that not only was she wrong, she was not my friend; we were still working towards a friendship.

That young ladies decision to tell her personal business to someone who was not her friend is the perfect example of blindly trusting someone before you truly get to know them. Fortunately, for her sake, I am the type of person who was raised to keep what a person tells you in confidence to yourself because that is exactly what I would want someone to do for me. Ladies, we have to be careful who we tell personal things to because honestly not everyone has your best interest at heart and not everyone you meet is at a point in life where they are able to be a good friend to you. If you ever find yourself trying to build friendship with someone just remember to give it some time, show each other that you are both capable of being good friends to each other, and allow it really develop into a true friendship.

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women

Why do we as women allow a man to string us along?

Often times, as woman, we forget that a man who wants to truly be with you, will simply BE WITH YOU! A man won’t allow anything to stop him or hold him back once he has it set in his mind that he wants to be with only you. You won’t have to question whether or not he wants to be with you, you won’t have to ask him, you won’t have to argue about it, stress about it, and you won’t have to convince him that he should be with you and only you.

It is so easy to forget those things once we get caught up in how much we like someone. We start seeing ourselves with them and imagining how great a relationship would be with them, not even realizing that the person is showing signs of not wanting the same thing we want. I’ve been in situations with guys, who I now know, did not deserve my time, energy, and attention; I ended up staying in situations longer then I should have because I kept allowing them to string me along. I allowed guys to give me a little ounce of hope, when in all honesty, they were really only saying things to keep me around just a little longer. They did not have it in them to tell me that their intentions were not to be with me, even though they had made me feel as though things would develop into something more. 

Often times men will meet a woman and they will do all of these wonderful things to make that woman like him. A man will get so caught up in doing this, that they themselves don’t realize the damage that they will cause once that woman realizes that he does not have the same intentions as she does. Often times a man will not come right out and be honest about the fact that they have been stringing a woman along; often times they aren’t going to sit you down and tell you that they don’t want the same things you do. This is the reason why we as women have to pay attention to the signs; we have to stop staying in situations longer then we are supposed to and make sure we make ourselves fully aware of a guys intentions with us. 

I encourage every woman to be careful about who you give your time to. Allowing a man to string you along is time wasted and that is time you won’t ever get back. 

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women continue to do the same things and expect different results?

A lot of the decisions you make in life shape the way things will turn out for you. No one can ever force you to do anything and sometimes some people have to make the same mistake multiple times before they fully grasp the fact that it is time for a change. As a woman, we know when we have reached our breaking point and we know when we are fed up but no changes will be made until we reach that point on our own.

In 2013 I accomplished a lot in my life; I became a member of the best sorority in the world, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc., I graduated from college, I received a job offer a week after graduation, and I moved and started taking care of myself. While I had all of these great things going for me there was still something that I kept allowing to cause me a lot of tears, anxiety, and sleepless nights and that was a man; a situation with a man that wasn’t even putting forth effort to be in a relationship with me. Time after time I would accept apologies for things I should have never put up with and stuck around even though I knew this was not the man for me. This was a man who supported me when it was convenient, missed out on a lot of my accomplishments, and blamed me for things that were never really my fault. I even went so far as to try to be just his “friend” at one point, even though I knew that was not the answer to a situation I no longer had control of.

I will never forget the day I sat in my closet crying and praying because I was so fed up with the situation and on that day, in January 2014, I decided to stand strong and cut off all ties with someone who did not appreciate me; I decided to stop doing the same things because all I was getting was the same results, which ended up causing me to get hurt. I also decided to take my mothers advice and read a book that she mailed to me and to this day I still tell people that this book changed my life.

January 2014 LaLa Anthony released her book, The Love Play Book, which talks about how she found love and success on her own. I started reading that book February 2014 and I promised myself that I would give any of the suggestions offered in this book a fair and honest shot. One thing that LaLa offers in her book is a 60 day challenge where you spend the next 60 days not looking, thinking, or even trying to get a man. She goes further into detail about it and how it helped her, of course, but for me, coming across not only the book but the challenge its self was the start of me taking back the control I lost over my feelings and emotions.

The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness

I would encourage every woman who has reached a point where they feel as though something has to change, a point where they are ready to take back control over things that should have never been controlled by another person, to read LaLas book! I truly hope that reading this helps someone else and if you just so happen to pick up that book, I hope it brings you to a better place in life like it did for me!

Let Tay Tell It

Why Do We As Women?

Why do we as women assume that all men are the same? How many times have you heard a woman say “all men are the same”?

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard women say “all men are the same”, which is ultimately us blaming all men for the actions of one man. It is my personal belief that women usually deal with heartbreak a lot better then men do BUT one of our flaws is putting all men into this negative category because we’ve been hurt. I too use to be guilty of this; after I experienced heartbreak for the first time I allowed it to completely change the way I view men. In my eyes all men were the same and no matter how good they seemed to be, I knew at some point they would prove to be just like the last guy; at that point I wasn’t even giving them a chance to show me better.

When you experience heartbreak for the first time it causes you to want to put your guard up and figure out ways to prevent it from ever happening again. One way we as women go about doing this is going into a situation with the next guy expecting him to either do what the last guy did or do something even worse. This is something we have to learn to STOP DOING! It is not easy but it is important and necessary to do because the more you treat every guy as if he is the same, is the more time it will take for the right man to come into your life. The first step we must take is to realize and accept the fact that heartbreak is something that is unavoidable.

Another thing that we have to do, to move to a place where we stop categorizing men as all being the same, is to take a step back and realize the type of men we go for and the type of men we allow to step into our lives. Pay attention to the type of men you attract and don’t attract, the type of men you give chances too and the ones you don’t! I would meet a guy and the same things I would allow, ignore, and overlook with the last guy, I would turn around and do the same thing with the next guy because I was either getting too caught up in how much I really liked him or thinking I could get him to eventually become serious. When I started to realize this, it started to click that its not that all guys are the same, its the fact that I keep giving the time of day to guys who weren’t on the same page as me as far as where we wanted things to go between us.

At the end of the day, we have to make a conscious effort to not categorize men as being the same. Ladies, in order to get the results you want you have to accept that heartbreak is something we can’t prevent, stop assuming all men are the same, and  focus more on paying attention to the type of men you allow to step into your life.

Let Tay Tell It